what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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