he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
