I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
