There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
