i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
