we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
