Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
