Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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