I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
