just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i think i have two assholes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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