Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
