Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
oh god the rape fog is back!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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