The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When did angry sex become our thing?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
