I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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