Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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