Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this boner is exhausting
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's the barista slut.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So. Much. Porn.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
