i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
