Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
