My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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