My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
