thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
