his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
