grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
