She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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