dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
