the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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