Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
