On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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