Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
