guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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