you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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