the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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