guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
