I wish i was in the wii world.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
