I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Congratulations! We have a period
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