i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
