I wish I could punch you in the face.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
