I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
