What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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