i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
