i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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