Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
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