I think I died a long time ago.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
