Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
