she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
