I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
