So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
