o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
