it's not cheating when I paid for it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize