hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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