I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
