Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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