Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
