At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize