how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
