im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
