No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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