i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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