Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
