He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
